For the brave souls who are good with some raw emotion and a peek “behind the curtain,” as it were, then you should read on. Time to take the mask off, and show you a bit of what my year has been like in retrospect. I am typically a very private person. I don’t write much about my life. And right now, this feels like the right thing to do.
This past year has been like living through a waking nightmare for me. In fact, as I sit here writing this, I am stunned by the body blows I absorbed this last year. To say it’s been “intense and difficult” is like saying that Donald Trump is “somewhat outspoken.” (Yeah, I just went there. I told you if you’re judgmental or offended to stop reading. Not my fault.)
At the end of last year, I lost my dad. Just when we had truly healed our relationship after years of struggle, misunderstanding, judgment, and confusion, he was gone. Shit, that hurt so bad. I miss him every day, and I’ve spent a good part of this year mourning his loss and reliving some of the most fond and funny memories of his last days on earth.
“No difficulty can discourage, no obstacle dismay, no trouble dishearten the man who has acquired the art of being alive. Difficulties are but dares of fate, obstacles but hurdles to try his skill, troubles but bitter tonics to give him strength; and he rises higher and looms greater after each encounter with adversity.” – Ella Wheeler Wilcox
In 2018, my 20-year marriage came to an end. The pain, hurt, and emptiness are beyond any scale I previously have known or had reference to. For those of you who have experienced loss like this, you know the shame, guilt, disappointment, and complete sense of loss that comes with the end of a marriage. So much of my identity was tied up in this relationship; and now I find myself navigating the unknown, and asking myself who I am without this other person. The profound loneliness is enough to bring me to my knees, and it has.
Then, within a two-week span of each other, both of my beautiful German Shepherd dogs – Sugar and Spice – died. Spice had lymphoma, and we knew her end was coming – which didn’t make it any easier. Sugar was another story. My poor son came home from school and found her lying dead on the kitchen floor. Completely unexpected. No kid should ever have to experience something like that. The devastation was beyond description… my family was completely gutted by their loss.
Why do I tell you all of this? Am I looking for sympathy? Nope, not even close. First of all, it helps me in my grieving and healing process. Second, because I want to help you all understand on a very visceral level how tough life can be for all of us. I am not immune to the incredible glories and absolute despairs of life. We all have to navigate this place as best we can.
Thank you, 2018.
WTF? Am I losing my mind? Not at all. Out of the ashes of this past year, life has begun again. I have begun the process of rebuilding. Myself. My life. My business. And it has been the single most profound year of growth I have ever experienced.
“The greatest difficulty always comes right before the birth of a dream.” – Joel Osteen
Every single day, I spend the first hour in prayer and meditation (yes, you read that right). Before I look at email, the news, social media, or anything else, I sit in silence and pray and meditate for a full hour to get my mind right for the day. This one practice has had a profound effect on how I see myself and the world around me, as well as how I respond to situations that in the past would have triggered either intense anger and rage, or a flood of tears and depression.
After my morning meditation, I go to the gym and move my body. Again, every day. I am diligent and consistent, and it’s making a huge difference. And my body is responding. I have more energy, a more positive attitude, and feel healthier than I have in years.
My business has been impacted, too. The first few months of the year I had difficulty getting any traction – mostly because I wasn’t focused on what I needed to do, but rather on how difficult my life had become, and how depressed and self-critical I felt.
“Every great and deep difficulty bears in itself its own solution. It forces us to change our thinking in order to find it.” – Niels Bohr
I have also grown as a trainer and facilitator. I have created immersive leadership retreats for teams that bring them face to face with their most difficult challenges. Together they learn how to navigate those challenges, communicate more effectively, ask for help, support each other, and build a culture that is intentional and creates a foundation of trust and openness that is all-too-rare these days.
I’ve grown as a speaker. In this past year, I’ve spoken on more stages, in more cities, and to larger audiences than ever before. I brought them a message that is powerful, relevant, and practical. I honestly don’t think I was hitting on all of those cylinders before.
“Surmounting difficulty is the crucible that forms character.” – Tony Robbins
We all have the ability to do this same thing. I know that many of you reading this may have had even more difficult years that I have. And, the one thing that has been driven home for me more than ever, is the power of decision. We can all DECIDE to overcome, to prevail, to get up off the deck and keep moving forward. Or not. At the end of the day, I’m reminded of that age-old saying, “It’s not what happens to us that matters. It’s how we respond.”
Bring it, 2019!
Listen, it’s easy to focus on all our problems. That’s how we’re wired. Look for a problem. And when we seek, we tend to find exactly what we’re looking for. The more difficult thing we can do is to look for the lesson. What can I learn from this experience? How can I grow from this?
All too often, we desire – or even expect – growth to be sterile, easy, or at the very least non-invasive. But that’s not how it works. Most of the time, our deepest pain leads to our greatest healing. Our most challenging circumstances lead to our most incredible growth. And our most devastating defeats lead to our biggest victories.
So 2018. F*ck you. And Thank you. Let’s see what 2019 has in store! The best part is that despite the uncertainty about what may come, in my heart I know that I can handle whatever that may be. I hope the same for you.